Why I cry and why it’s not a problem

Sometimes I cry reading a book, watching TV, making dinner, in the shower, just sat there in my head living my life. No reason.

And sometimes I want to cry; I’m angry, frustrated, worried, lonely, resentful, hurt. And I can’t. My body will give me no release. Blind anger. No reason.

Am I pulling an Amy Pond, crying for someone I lost even though I never met them? Maybe it’s just my emotions are scatty, or I ate some bad cheese, or I should stop watching those movies, or need more or less sleep, or just to get a ruddy grip. Come on now.

I honestly have no idea.

The brain is so complex it makes us feel basic emotions, fear, sadness, anger, in unconscious response to something we don’t consciously know. I’m not threatened. I’m in a lovely, if horrendously untidy room, with a jaffa cake, in a moon chair (myself, not the jaffa cake) next to a warm radiator. Unless my brain is upset over the sheer imbalance of clothing on the floor compared to the wardrobe (which is entirely possible), or some grey-matter corner has gotten itself worked up about some random event from 10 years ago that I don’t realise I remember in the same way you know you know something but don’t know it – like that name on the tip of your tongue – I have no idea what I could be so upset about right now.

Am I upset though? No, just crying.

Is that in itself a problem? Well, as long as I keep hydrated and a pack of tissues handy, again, no.

Maybe the emotions I feel and the emotional responses I display are not always connected. This gives me a certain control over how I think about it. I now know that I’m not upset, I’m just crying, so I don’t have to worry about the reason I’m crying and why I’m apparently so sad when I thought I was doing ok. And if I am upset and I’m not crying it doesn’t make me less upset or less justifiably so.

I wonder if it can go the same way for happiness as well?

Sometimes I watch a very funny video and don’t laugh. Sometimes I laugh at the weirdest things I wouldn’t ordinarily find amusing. So just because I’m not smiling 24/7 and jumping around singing like I’m in a teen musical doesn’t mean I’m not happy. Even if something throws me off has it affected my actual feelings? Or just the physical display of my feelings to myself and others?

Maybe I’m happier than I think, I just need to take the time to realise it.